Klugman Awakes From Coma

Former "Quincy, M.E." star Jack Klugman sued NBC Universal Friday, claiming the studio is lying about the show's profits and owes him money. Klugman, 85, played the crime-busting Dr. R. Quincy on the show from 1976 to 1983.

WP: Was Jack in a coma for 25 years? This is 2008, right? Does he have a gambling debt to suddenly pay off?

There She Is...

Heather Mills soon will be back in front of the cameras. The former Mrs. Paul McCartney, who recently wrapped up a very public divorce from the ex-Beatle, is among the celebrity judges just announced for the upcoming Miss USA Pageant.

WP: Because who knows beauty more than a one-legged, gold-digging prostitute?

Babymomma

LOS ANGELES, Calif. -- Jamie Lynn Spears and her boyfriend, Casey Aldridge, could be one step closer to tying the knot, Access Hollywood has learned. A source close to the Spears family told Access, getting married "has been [Jamie Lynn's] goal."

WP: Right after getting knocked up at 16.

Trapped!

A federal appeals court has rejected a law requiring airlines to provide food, water, clean toilets and fresh air to passengers trapped in a plane delayed on the ground. The 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled Tuesday that New York's new state law interferes with federal law governing the price, route or service of an air carrier.

WP: I say we trap the court on an airplane on the runway for a few hours and then see what happens.

The Iraq War vs. The U.S. Economy

More than 7 out of 10 Americans think government spending on the war in Iraq is partly responsible for the economic troubles in the United States, according to results of a recent poll.

WP: Who are the other 3? Oil barons and presidents?

A White House spokesman said the war had cost the U.S. $406.2 billion through December 2007. The spokesman said the economists "throw everything in the kitchen sink" into the study, including costs like interest on the national debt, and called the projection "exaggerated."

WP: Oh, sorry. It's only $400 billion.

And President Bush, speaking on NBC's "Today" last month, disputed the notion that the war was negatively affecting the economy. "I think actually the spending in the war might help with jobs ... because we're buying equipment and people are working," he said. "I think this economy is down because we built too many houses and the economy's adjusting."

WP: That's right...it's too many houses. Houses. Not the exorbitant cost of gas, inflation surpassing salary increases, unemployment on the rise, lay-offs, dramatic increase in stock prices, billions of dollars spent on the war in Iraq, etc. It's TOO MANY HOUSES. Perhaps Bush's next plan of action should be to suggest everyone "double up."

Happy Iraqiversary

WP: Idiot.

And you thought Gov. Spitzer paid a lot for his hooker!

Former Beatle Paul McCartney was Monday ordered to pay nearly $50M to his estranged wife as their long-running divorce saga came to an end. Heather Mills told reporters she was "so, so happy" with the outcome of her fight for a share of the pop legend's fortune, as court documents named the final figure as £24.3 million ($48.7M).

WP: And you thought Gov. Spitzer paid a lot for his hooker!

Harry Potter and the Great Accounting Adventure

Harry Potter was the center of seven novels, but he'll star in eight films. The final book in the wildly successful series will be made into two films, the Los Angeles Times reported Wednesday. Producers are expected to announce Thursday that J.K. Rowling's last "Potter" installment, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," will be split into two parts on the big screen. The first film is slated for release in November 2010, with part two following in May 2011. The two final "Potter" films will be shot concurrently, much like the blockbuster trilogy based on J.R.R. Tolkien's epic fantasy novel "The Lord of the Rings." "It was born out of purely creative reasons," producer David Heyman told the Times.

WP: That, and they received news from the accounting department that they could actually make TWICE as much money if they made two movies instead of just one.

All you need is faith, trust, and pixie dust!

Michael Jackson has refinanced Neverland ranch in time to save his famed California spread from a public auction that was scheduled for later this month. Jackson attorney L. Londell McMillan told The Associated Press on Thursday that the pop star has worked out a "confidential" agreement with Fortress Investment Group, LLC. The deal allows him to retain ownership of the famed property in Los Olivos, Calif. An auction date had been set for March 19 because of $24.5 million the singer owed on the 2,500-acre spread northwest of Santa Barbara.

WP: THANK GOD. I'd hate for him not to have a place to molest children.

I guess you have to hold up your hula hoops with something...

Rated PG for Profanity Guru

A new study by The Nielsen Co. found that the PG-rated movies with the least profanity made the most money at the U.S. box office. Sexuality or violence in those films had less to do with success than the language, the Nielsen PreView group said in a study being released Thursday. "The reality is that profanity, within PG, is the big demarcation between box office winner and box office loser," research and marketing director Dan O'Toole said at ShoWest, a conference where studios unveil upcoming movie lineups. "Parents are choosing PG films for their kids that have very, very low levels of profanity. We're talking one-third the level of the average PG film," he said. The research firm cross-referenced box office data on 400 films in wide-release from the fall of 2005 to the fall of 2007 with their ratings for sex, violence and profanity given by Critics Inc.'s Kids-In-Mind.com Web site. Controlling for marketing and production budgets of films, as well as depictions of violence and sex, movies that scored an average 0.8 on a 10-point profanity scale collected an average of $69 million. Those that averaged 2.8 for profanity averaged $38 million. All PG movies averaged 2.3 on the profanity scale.

WP: There's a profanity scale? Finally, I can be a perfect 10. Do they even make PG movies anymore that have profanity? Aren't those all grouped into PG-13 and that would explain why PG movies are lower on the scale? And...if there are PG movies with profanity, maybe they're not doing well at the box office because they just plain suck.

Can you spare a square?

Attorneys for U.S. Sen. Larry Craig are asking the Minnesota Court of Appeals to correct a "manifest injustice" by allowing the Idaho Republican to withdraw his guilty plea stemming from an airport restroom sex sting. An undercover officer said Craig tapped his feet and swiped his hand under a stall divider in a way that signaled he wanted sex.

After news of his arrest and plea became public in August, Craig denied wrongdoing. He insisted his actions were misconstrued and said he wasn't gay. He said he pleaded guilty and paid a fine hoping to resolve the matter quietly. Tuesday's filing repeats many arguments that Craig's attorneys made before, including claims that the lower court abused its discretion and that the guilty plea is invalid because there is no factual basis for a disorderly conduct charge.

STY: Oh, right...the fact that he confessed has nothing to do with it.

Craig's behavior as he looked into a stall was ''consistent with the conduct of an innocent person waiting for one of the occupied stalls to clear,'' the attorneys wrote.

STY: Yes, I often look glaringly into a stall, tap my feet, and wave my hand under the divider while I'm waiting to take a shit. TOTALLY believable.

Get Your Hoe Ready!

I have a theory. Whoever came up with the concept of Daylight Savings Time was:

1) A morning person
2) Unemployed
3) Sadistic

Am I the only person who responds to sunlight stimulation in the morning to get me going? Getting up when it's still pitch black can be natural, can it? And what about kids who have to wait outside for their school bus in the mornings...IN THE DARK? Is anyone concerned about their safety?

Apparently nobody took these factors into concern when making this weird decision. Nobody except for Arizona and Hawaii who proudly denounce DST, making it even more complicated when you're communicating with or visiting one of those two states.

Wouldn't it benefit the workforce more if people were actually awake when going to work in the morning? Wouldn't that help reduce accidents in the morning as well? And perhaps get people to work on time more often? With the sagging economy (thanks, George!), these are things to consider...