Exhaustion

What the fuck is up with Celebrity Exhaustion (CE)? It seems like every other week there's some new celebrity or pseudo-celebrity who suffers from "exhaustion" and must be hospitalized. The latest being Lindsay Lohan's girltoy, Samantha Ronson, DJ-extraordinaire. What's really exhausted is their illegal drug supply. Do they think the American people are that stupid? Oh, wait...they did vote (allegedly) for George W. Bush. Twice. Now I'm exhausted. Medic!

Heeeeeeeeeeeeere's your bailout!

Publicist Howard Bragman confirmed that TV icon Ed McMahon and his wife have no plans to move from their home, which has been facing foreclosure for nine months. Bragman said he doesn't have details about the deal that's allowing the 85-year-old McMahon to stay, but added: "They ain't leaving." Public records show there was a series of transfers of the loans last month on McMahon's house. A Southern California company, Foreclosure Trackers Inc., has taken credit for brokering the deal and say they plan to negotiate a better deal for McMahon. For months, several people, including Lee and Donald Trump, have pledged to help McMahon and save his house.

WP: Whew. Thank God. First the automakers, now Ed McMahon. I hope the gov't has a plan in place to help out the oil companies next, now that gas has gotten "cheap."

In a time of bleak financial news, Bragman expressed hope that the resolution to McMahon's situation served as a good omen. We hope every other American in trouble has the same experience," he said.

WP: Yes, Bragman (ironic name, eh?), I'm sure every other American will have the same experience with Donald Trump and mortgage companies. Thank you for your genuine concern. Now kindly take your legal fees and get the fuck outta my face.

Worst. Opening. Ever.

http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/delgo-worst-opening-ever.html

Umm...here's why the film did poorly, people: nobody had ever heard about it or seen anything about it! I saw Madagascar 2 and Bolt in the past couple of months. Neither featured a preview of this Delgo. There was no buzz about it online. There was nothing about it in Entertainment Weekly. I was flipping through a magazine a couple of weeks ago at the doctor's office, saw an ad for the movie, and thought, "What's that? I've never even heard of it." Then Monday comes around and I see that the movie opened this past weekend. It looks like crap anyway from the movie poster, but a little promotion (and previewing) of the stupid movie might have helped it. A little .

It's a "Grey" day

T.R. Knight has asked to be released from his contract with "Grey's Anatomy." The actor, who plays Dr. George O'Malley, has asked to leave the ABC medical drama because he is unhappy with his storyline, the person said. Knight has three years left on his contract and the network has indicated they will release him, said the insider, who could not be identified because they were not authorized to discuss negotiation details.

ISF: "Oh, boo woo. Woe is me. I'm unhappy that I'm making only $125,000 an episode doing a story I don't even like. I know I signed a contract, but it's not legally binding, right? I want to star in movies like my friend Katherine Heigl. However, since I came out a couple of years ago, I'll probably be typecast as gay and never get a "real" film role other than some cheesy independent gay film or alongside Anne Hathaway as the "gay friend." But that would be better than my making $125,000 an episode doing a story that makes me -- sob! -- unhappy..."

Illinois Governor Arrested

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested on Tuesday on charges he brazenly conspired to sell or trade the U.S. Senate seat left vacant by President-elect Barack Obama to the highest bidder in what a federal prosecutor called a "corruption crime spree." Blagojevich also was charged with illegally threatening to withhold state assistance to Tribune Co., the owner of the Chicago Tribune, in the sale of Wrigley Field, according to a federal criminal complaint. In return for state assistance, Blagojevich allegedly wanted members of the paper's editorial board who had been critical of him fired. Federal investigators bugged the governor's campaign offices and placed a tap on his home phone and Chicago FBI chief Robert Grant said even seasoned investigators were "stunned" by what they heard on the tapes.

ISF: What's even more stunning is that 'do of his. And, really, isn't that the bigger crime?

(To read the whole story, click here.)

No Me Gusta 50 Cent

Rapper 50 Cent is facing a challenge to his street cred — from Taco Bell. Lawyers for the fast-food chain are calling his federal lawsuit, filed in Manhattan, another attempt to "burnish his gangsta rapper persona by distorting beyond all recognition a bona fide, good faith offer." The squabble is over a fake letter sent out by Taco Bell Corp. asking 50 Cent to change his name for one day to 79 Cent, 89 Cent or 99 Cent to help publicize its value menu. In return, the company offered to donate $10,000 to the charity of his choice. The rapper, whose real name is Curtis Jackson, has sued for trademark infringement. Jackson's attorney, Peter Raymond, says he wonders why Taco Bell would use his client's name in an ad campaign.

ISF: What an ass. Can you sue now for "trademark infringement" when they haven't even done anything yet? I'd tell him where to shove his Two Quarters.

Automobile Industry Bailout

Democratic aides say Speaker Nancy Pelosi intends to seek legislation to provide relief to the battered auto industry, and wants it done in a post-election session of Congress likely to convene in the next few days. Pelosi is not expected to specify how large a bailout she wants. The aides who described her views Tuesday did so on condition of anonymity, saying they were not authorized to discuss it publicly. The speaker's decision comes a few days after General Motors warned it is rapidly running out of cash, and Ford announced its situation was only slightly better.

ISF: I'm sorry, but I CANNOT feel sorry for the automobile industry. They've been screwing over the American people for years and now they want protection from the government? For what? They haven't made any improvements to their automobiles' mileage. The Ford Model T got 25 miles per gallon in 1908. My 1993 GEO Metro got 40-45. My 2007 Chevrolet Aveo gets 27. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this picture? They have the capability to produce more efficient cars...yet they don't. If they're looking for a bailout, why not stick their hands out to the Oil Companies who are obviously already paying them to be fuel inefficient?

George "Incompetent" Bush

With record low approval ratings and intense criticism for his handling of the Iraq war, Hurricane Katrina and the economy, the word most used to label George W. Bush's presidency will be "incompetent," historians say. Harvard University political history scholar Barbara Kellerman said when President-elect Barack Obama takes over in January, people may view Bush in a new light. "I think it's possible when people have stopped being as angry at the Bush administration as they are now ... that they will realize that some of this is just ... the luck of the draw." Kellerman, author of the book "Bad Leadership: What It Is, How It Happens, Why It Matters," noted that Bush has not had luck on his side for the past eight years. "He [Bush] has been a quite unlucky president. Certain things happened on his watch that most people don't have to deal with -- a 9/11, a [Hurricane] Katrina, the financial crisis, being three obvious examples," she said. "And yet they happened on his watch. He is being blamed," she said.

ISF: Kellerman, you're giving Bush way too much credit. I don't think anyone believes that George Bush has the power to create disasters like 9/11, Katrina, the Iraqi War, or the financial crisis. He's too stupid to even comprehend how to put something that complicated together. However, he is being (and should be) blamed for the handling of each situation (and more). A good leader knows how to prevent problems and/or solve them when they happen. Bush did neither.

Bush, meanwhile, who has long defended his decision to invade Iraq as a way to spread democracy, could also see criticism dissipate over time if Iraq becomes a thriving, stable country. "If you imagine that an Iraq in 10,15 years is actually a vibrant, stable democracy and other countries neighboring it move in that direction ... I think you'd have a strong Bush revisionism," Zelizer said. "How things unfold in coming decades can help repair a battered presidency," he added.

ISF: That's great. Maybe Bush should have run for president of Iraq instead of the U.S. since his focus was on making THEM a better country than his own.

Election Results

Well, folks...it's the day after the 2008 elections. We have a new African-American president; Washington now offers terminally ill people the option of physician-assisted suicide; Colorado defeated a measure that would have defined life as beginning at conception (wouldn't this be a scientist/doctor's determination?); South Dakota defeated a measure that would have banned abortions except in cases of rape, incest, or serious health threats; Massachusetts voted to decriminalize possession of small amounts of the marijuana; Michigan joined 12 other states in allowing the use of marijuana for medical purposes; Nebraska voters approved a ban on race- and gender-based affirmative action, similar to measures previously approved in California, Michigan and Washington; Missouri voted to require the state's three investor-owned electric utilities to get 15 percent of their electricity from renewable sources by 2021; Massachusetts voted to ban dog racing; and California voted to outlaw cramped cages for egg-laying chickens.

Oh, yeah...and California ALSO voted to ban same-sex marriages; Arizona and Florida approved ban-gay-marriage amendments; and Arkansas voters approved a measure banning unmarried couples from serving as adoptive or foster parents.

It's amazing progressive the US would lead us to believe it is when it comes to all issues except when it comes to treating gay people with respect and giving them equal rights, just like African-Americans, women, unborn children, dogs, and chickens. My favorite is seeing an African-American person driving with a bumper sticker reading "marriage = man + woman." They've gotten their rights bestowed upon them, so screw everyone else.

No...it's not under here...

Edjumacation

Who are you voting for this year?

Following high school, Barack Obama moved to Los Angeles, where he studied at Occidental College for two years. He then transferred to Columbia University in New York City, where he majored in political science with a specialization in international relations. Obama graduated with a B.A. from Columbia in 1983. He entered Harvard Law School in late 1988. At the end of his first year, he was selected, based on his grades and a writing competition, as an editor of the Harvard Law Review. In February 1990, in his second year, he was elected president of the Law Review, a full-time volunteer position functioning as editor-in-chief and supervising the Law Review's staff of eighty editors. After graduating with a Juris Doctor (J.D.) magna cum laude from Harvard in 1991, he returned to Chicago.

Joe Biden attended the Archmere Academy in Claymont, where he was a standout wide receiver on the high school football team and played on the baseball team as well. He graduated in 1961 and then went on to attend the University of Delaware in Newark. He graduated with a Bachelor of Arts with a double major in history and political science in 1965. He went on to receive his Juris Doctor from Syracuse University College of Law in 1968 and he was admitted to the Delaware Bar in 1969.

John McCain attended Episcopal High School, a private preparatory boarding school in Alexandria. He excelled at wrestling and graduated in 1954. Following in the footsteps of his father and grandfather, McCain entered the United States Naval Academy at Annapolis. McCain came into conflict with higher-ranking personnel, he did not always obey the rules, and that contributed to a low class rank (894 of 899). He did well in academic subjects that interested him, such as literature and history, but studied only enough to pass subjects he struggled with, such as mathematics. McCain graduated in 1958.

Sarah Palin attended Wasilla High School in Wasilla, AK. In 1982, she enrolled at Hawaii Pacific College but left after her first semester. She transferred to North Idaho community college, where she spent two semesters as a general studies major. From there, she transferred to the University of Idaho for two semesters. During this time Palin won the Miss Wasilla Pageant, then finished third in the 1984 Miss Alaska pageant, at which she won a college scholarship and the "Miss Congeniality" award. After the pageants, Palin attended the Matanuska-Susitna community college in Alaska for one term. The next year she returned to the University of Idaho where she spent three semesters completing her Bachelor of Science degree in communications-journalism, graduating in 1987.

FIERCE!

Beyonce Knowles would like to be known by a bold new name. The R&B singer has christened herself "Sasha Fierce" for her new double album, "I Am ... Sasha Fierce," due in U.S. stores on November 18, and has released a lengthy justification for the comical moniker. "I have someone else that takes over when it's time for me to work and when I'm on stage, this alter ego that I've created that kind of protects me and who I really am," the former Destiny's Child frontwoman said in a statement.

ISF: Sigh... Would someone get this woman a psychotherapist? She has Multiple Personality Disorder.

More Buck for your Burrito

Chipotle Mexican Grill posted its first profit decline since going public in 2006 on Wednesday, as it battled higher ingredient costs and a slowing U.S. economy. The restaurant operator said sales were still positive but growth has slowed. The quarterly results from Denver-based Chipotle, a former Wall Street darling, comes amid worries financially stressed consumers will skip even more restaurant visits as they weather a housing slump, credit crisis and rising unemployment. "These tough economic times make it harder for customers to afford to eat out," Monty Moran, president, said during a conference call. "We know that some of our customers are forced to visit us a little less frequently than they were a year ago." Chipotle, known for serving premium-priced naturally raised meat, said third-quarter net income fell to $19.5 million, or 59 cents per share, from $20.6 million, or 62 cents per share, a year earlier. Chipotle said it plans to raise prices in the fourth quarter.

ISF: Yeah, that's interesting. You want to increase sales, yet you increase prices. Hey, Monty--don't you think people will be LESS inclined to dine at your restaurants if they see that they're not getting the value they're used to? Just a thought from someone who's NOT a company president, but understands the value of his dollar and would rather see it go towards something of more importance in HIS life than YOUR salary and bonus this year.

Cali-NO-fornication

David Duchovny has checked out of the facility where he was undergoing treatment for a sex addiction, according to the actor's lawyer, Stanton "Larry" Stein. "David is out of rehab and about to start a new movie," Stein said in a statement Monday. "He successfully completed his treatment."

ISF: What was he forced to do? Watch pornos of 500 lb women? "I'm cured! I no longer want sex!" screamed Duchovny upon his release.

Obama Widens Lead

Fifty-three percent of likely voters questioned in the poll say they are backing Obama for president, with 45 percent supporting McCain. President George Bush may be part of the reason why Obama's making gains. Only 24 percent of those polled approve of Bush's job as president, an all-time low for a CNN survey.

ISF: What I want to know is...who are those 24 percent who think everything's just peachy in the U.S. right now!? Can I get a prescription for whatever they're on?

What, Lassie? Timmy's Down the Well?

Stocks tumbled and credit markets remained tight Thursday after an unexpected rise in unemployment claims and a drop in factory orders underscored the troubles facing the economy even if lawmakers are able to sew together a financial rescue aimed at resuscitating the ailing credit markets.

ISF: Unexpected? Are they living in a fucking cave? Trapped in a well? HELLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOO?!?!?!?! Is anybody home?

Oprah's Mom

Oprah Winfrey's mother says she shouldn't have to pay a nearly $156,000 debt to a high-end fashion store because store officials shouldn't have extended credit to her. Valentina Inc. alleges that Vernita Lee of Milwaukee racked up $155,547 in purchases and interest as of July 1. The company sued, saying Lee fell behind in minimum monthly payments of $2,000. Lee filed a counterclaim Friday contending that Valentina took advantage of her "lack of knowledge, ability, and-or capacity" when creating her credit account. Court papers say Lee resolved a 2002 case with the company over a $175,000 bill. The resolution prohibited Valentina from extending further credit to her.

ISF: Hmmm...what's the word I'm looking for? Ah, yes...CUNT. C. U. N. T. Cunt.

Hey, Vernita! The rest of us have credit card bills, too, but we don't have daughters worth 1.5 billion dollars! What makes you so freakin' special?!? Stupid cunt. Maybe we can include Vernita's debt in the $700 billion bailout that the gov't is trying to pass? The rich are already going to be protected; why not include Oprah and her stupid mother in it, too?

Fancy Gap.

Clay Aiken Comes Out!

Clay Aiken appears on the cover of the latest People magazine holding his infant son, Parker Foster Aiken, with the headline: "Yes, I'm Gay."

ISF: Wow. That's the biggest news since...George Michael came out. Or Liberace.

To quote Will (from Will & Grace): "Blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay." And Grace: "My dog knew."

Made In China

China's tainted milk crisis widened Friday after tests found the industrial chemical melamine in liquid milk produced by three of the country's leading dairy companies, the quality watchdog said. Singapore suspended the sale and import of all Chinese milk and dairy products because several tested items were contaminated.

ISF: Okay, we all realize that everything plastic comes from China. But do they have to make pet food and milk from plastic, too?

Thanks for watching!

Sarah Palin told Fox News Channel's Sean Hannity that she watched the "SNL" skit that opened the late-night show's new season last Saturday. "I watched it with the volume all the way down," Palin said. "I thought it was hilarious." Palin said she "didn't hear a word she said but the visual (was) spot on."

ISF: Thanks for "watching," Sarah. I guess you didn't want to disturb your Russian neighbors with the volume?

For those of you who want to watch -- and listen! -- to the skit, click here.

You say DOWN, I say UP yours.

Consumer prices in August posted the first monthly decline in nearly two years as Americans finally get a break from surging energy prices. The Labor Department reported Tuesday that consumer prices edged down 0.1 percent last month, a significant improvement from a 1.1 percent price spike in June and a 0.8 percent rise in July. The cost of gasoline and other fuels have plunged, reflecting big drops in crude oil prices.

I SUFFER FOOLS: Really? Then someone please explain to me why I'm paying 30 CENTS MORE per gallon of gas than I was a week ago.

Something Stinks Here

7/23/08: Wachovia Corp. lost a staggering $8.9 billion in the second quarter, leading the nation's fourth-largest bank to cut its dividend and slash more than 6,000 jobs in response to mortgage-related losses. The bank's results were much worse than Wall Street anticipated, a stark contrast to its big bank rivals that handily beat the low targets analysts had set. Wachovia said it lost $8.86 billion and is slashing its dividend after losses tied to mortgages soared. The bank also said it would lay off 6,350 current employees, and leave unfilled another 4,400 open positions. The bank has already cut 2,000 retail mortgage jobs, it said.

9/9/08: Just for taking the job, Wachovia Corp.'s new chief financial officer gets an upfront bonus of $4 million, 1 million stock options and 800,000 shares of restricted stock, the Charlotte bank said in a filing this morning. Under his employment agreement, the new CFO each year gets a salary of $500,000, a target bonus of $3.75 million and a target stock grant of $3.75 million. For 2008, he will receive a guaranteed minimum bonus of $937,500, payable in February 2009. The agreement also allows for severance payments if he is terminated for “good reason” or “without cause.” The company also will cover taxes owed if he loses his job in the case of a merger or acquisition.

MTV for me

A year after vowing never to perform on the MTV Video Music Awards again, hip-hop star Kanye West will close the show's 25th annual ceremony in Hollywood on Sunday. The outspoken rapper was upset by his treatment at last year's show, when his performance was relegated to a small stage in the Las Vegas venue. West also failed to win any prizes, and accused the music cable network of exploiting Britney Spears, who inadvertently stole the show by badly lip-synching and dancing to her new tune.

i.e., The arrogant fucker sucks, didn't win anything, and was upstaged by Britney Spears so he whined that he was "mistreated." What'd MTV do? Promise him he could take home a little spaceman this year? He should change his name to Kayne Whines.

Hilary Duff's Mom Is A Cunt

A judge in Texas has ordered the father of actress and singer Hilary Duff to spend 10 days in jail for contempt of court. Bob Duff was led away in handcuffs Wednesday during a court hearing after Judge Thomas Stansbury in Houston determined he violated an injunction against selling assets without court approval. The Houston Chronicle reported in its online edition that Bob Duff must pay into a court repository $367,537 he earned from selling stocks last month. Stansbury determined Bob Duff should pay Susan $12,500 for Hilary's birthday party, which was the subject of the hearing. Her mother wanted $25,000 to pay for a present and party.

ISF: Are you fucking kidding me? She took him to court over money for a fucking birthday present and party (that he probably didn't have any say in) and --what's more unbelievable-- won!? Is all of Texas this fucked up? First the Bush family, now the Duffs? Aren't there cheaper birthday options? And isn't this the same mother who caused her daughter to get booted off the popular (at the time) Lizzie McGuire show on the Disney Channel because SHE made outrageous money demands? What a CUNT. I'd take her to court for that.

Girl Gots a Lot o' Weave

Was she going for the whole "I'm being attacked by a Tribble" look?

In Support of Valerie Bertinelli

Don't worry, Valerie. I'd cheat, too, if I came home and found that in my bed.

Robert Downey Jr. on Writing

"My whole thing is that that I saw 'The Dark Knight'. I feel like I'm dumb because I feel like I don't get how many things that are so smart. It's like a Ferrari engine of storytelling and script writing and I'm like, 'That's not my idea of what I want to see in a movie.' I loved 'The Prestige' but didn't understand 'The Dark Knight'. Didn't get it, still can't tell you what happened in the movie, what happened to the character and in the end they need him to be a bad guy. I'm like, 'I get it. This is so high brow and so fucking smart, I clearly need a college education to understand this movie.' You know what? Fuck DC comics. That's all I have to say and that's where I'm really coming from." - Robert Downey, Jr.

WP: Uh...that's called good scriptwriting, Robert. Perhaps you'd better stick with films such as "Batman & Robin" where not only the girls have nipples poking out of their costumes, but so do the guys.

Date night!

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel enjoyed a film over the weekend. The pair came out to support Hole in the Paper Sky at the Palm Springs International Shortfest Film Festival. Biel produced the film and also has a role in it. After the screening and party, Timberlake and Biel headed over to Le Parker Méridien hotel to meet some friends. Afterward, Timberlake and Biel made their way to a house in Palm Desert, where they held a private celebration, says a source.

WP: Wow. That's great. What a great fucking article about their date. I was SO wondering what they were doing over the weekend. "Dear Diary...I stayed home Saturday night and watched Johnny Depp slice people's necks in Sweeney Todd, but Justin and Jessica went to see a movie! Oh, how I wish he would ask ME to the dance!"

Kyrgyzstan. Gesundheit.

A passenger jet carrying 90 people, including a Kyrgyz high school sports team, crashed shortly after takeoff Sunday near the Kyrgyz capital, killing 65, government officials said. The Boeing 737 was headed to Iran when it crashed near Bishkek's Manas International Airport, said government spokeswoman Roza Daudova. Twenty-two people, including two crew members, survived the accident. Earlier, Daudova had said there were at least 68 dead and 25 survivors, but she later gave lower figures.

WP: "Tventy, tirty, forty, who knows? I'm bad with math." she said. "Sounds like work of Moose and Squirrel," she later commented.

An airport official said the crew reported a technical problem about 10 minutes into the flight and that the plane was returning to the airport when it crashed. The official said she was not authorized to give her name.

WP: How official can you be if you can't give your name?

Among the survivors, were seven out the 17 members of the basketball team from a school in the capital, Bishkek, said Health Ministry spokeswoman Yelena Bayalinova. Residential adviser Tokon Mamytov, however, later said that the athletes were volleyball, not basketball players.

WP: "Hey, all I know is they toss around a ball of some sort."

It's all about the Benjamins...and McCains and Obamas...

In a forum last week with the Rev. Rick Warren, McCain was asked to define the word "rich" and to give a figure. After promoting his tax policies, McCain said: "I think if you are just talking about income, how about $5 million?" The audience laughed, and he added: "But seriously, I don't think you can — I don't think seriously that — the point is that I'm trying to make here, seriously — and I'm sure that comment will be distorted — but the point is that we want to keep people's taxes low and increase revenues."

WP: Seriously?

Obama, asked the same question at the forum, said those making $250,000 and higher are in the top 3 to 4 percent and "doing well." Obama and his wife, Michelle, reported making $4.2 million in 2007.

WP: So...making over $4 million is what? And making under $50K is "sucking it?"

5...6...7...SEVEN HOUSES! AH AH AH AH AH!

Days after he cracked that being rich in the U.S. meant earning at least $5 million a year, Republican presidential candidate John McCain acknowledged that he wasn't sure how many houses he and his wealthy wife actually own. "I think — I'll have my staff get to you," McCain responded to a question posed by Politico, according to a story Thursday on the publication's Web site. "It's condominiums where — I'll have them get to you." Later, the McCain campaign told Politico that McCain and his wife, Cindy, have at least four in three states, Arizona, California and Virginia. Newsweek recently estimated the two owned at least seven properties.

WP: You just lose track after the first four or five, don't you?

"Normal"

Britney Spears says she would rather her sons did not pursue a career in entertainment. "But I'd love them unconditionally if they wanted to. I'd just as soon they have a more normal childhood," she said.

WP: Normal? Yeah...good luck with that. That's wiggity wiggity whack.

Startling News from the Department of Commerce

The Commerce Department said purchases at U.S. retailers declined 0.1% last month. Economists surveyed by MarketWatch expected sales to slip 0.3%. Excluding automobiles, sales rose 0.4% last month, the smallest gain since February. The median forecast was for a 0.5% increase. See Economic Report. The report was "disheartening" in that is showed just how short-lived the tax rebates were, said Stone & McCarthy Research Associates.

WP: Really? You mean that $600 didn't make everyone wealthy? Shocking.

Mark Spits on China

HONG KONG (AFP) - US swim legend Mark Spitz won't be on hand in Beijing if Michael Phelps breaks his record of seven gold medals at a single Olympics—because, he says, no one bothered to invite him. Spitz said the International Olympic Committee, a US television network or FINA—the international body that governs world swimming—should have brought him to the Games this year, with Phelps making a go at his record.

"I never got invited. You don't go to the Olympics just to say, I am going to go. Especially because of who I am," Spitz told AFP in Hong Kong. "I am going to sit there and watch Michael Phelps break my record anonymously? That's almost demeaning to me. It is not almost—it is."

"He's almost identical to me. He's a world-record holder in all these events, so he is dominating the events just like I did," Spitz said. "He reminds me of myself."

WP: Really? Is Michael Phelps a pompous asshole, too? And what happens if he doesn't break the record, Mark? You just get a free trip to China? Fuck you and your seven gold medals.

Pacman

Adam Jones, the suspended Dallas Cowboys cornerback who has been known by "Pacman" would like to make his nickname a thing of the past.

WP: I hear "Donkey Kong" may be available...

Daddy Warbucks

For every one opening at Harvard's undergraduate college, there were 14 hopeful high school applicants. Despite the daunting odds, there's good reason to try to win one of those coveted acceptance letters. Harvard is consistently ranked as one of the top schools in the country. Its $35 billion endowment makes it the best-funded college in the United States. Oh, and there's this: Harvard students are more likely to become billionaires than graduates of any other college.

WP: Yeah...that might be more impressive if they didn't already start out rich, thanks to Daddy.

Why buy Japanese when Americans don't know what the fuck they're doing?

General Motors Corp on Tuesday announced a series of steps to cut jobs, costs and its exposure to slow-selling trucks and SUVs in response to a rise in gasoline prices that the automaker now sees as permanent. Chief Executive Rick Wagoner, speaking to reporters after a restructuring plan was approved by the automaker's board, said GM would close four North American truck plants and add shifts at two plants making more popular car models.
In addition, Wagoner said GM was reviewing the Hummer brand and could sell the military-derived SUV brand, which has become synonymous for gas-guzzling excess. "U.S. economic and market conditions have become significantly more difficult," Wagoner said, adding higher gasoline prices have caused consumers to swap out of trucks and SUVs faster than the automaker had expected.

In a related shift, Wagoner also said GM's board had approved funding for a next-generation compact model for the Chevrolet brand as well as a new subcompact Chevy Aveo, expected to go on sale in the U.S. market in 2010. GM's board also allocated production funding to the Chevy Volt, a heavily touted, all-electric vehicle that GM expects to have in showrooms by 2010, Wagoner said. Wagoner said GM, which has lost a combined $51 billion over the past three years, was not ready to detail a timeline for returning to profitability. Unfortunately, it's just a sign that once again they're behind the curve," said Peter Jankovskis, a chief investment officer with OakBrook Investments, which owns GM shares in some of its portfolios.

WP: Really? Ya think? So when gas prices started to dramatically rise THREE YEARS AGO, nobody thought to look ahead? How about with the 1970s oil shortage? 30-40 years not enough lead time either?

Exxxxxxxxxxxxcellent...

The standoff between "The Simpsons" voice cast and series producer 20th Century Fox TV is over. After months of negotiations, the cast of Fox's long-running animated series reached a new four-year deal with the studio during the weekend. Under the pact, the top actors will be paid nearly $400,000 per episode. While this is lower than the reported $500,000 the cast originally sought, it remains a significant increase from their current paychecks of about $300,000 an episode. (By contrast, Charlie Sheen is the highest-paid sitcom star, reportedly earning $350,000 per episode in 2006.)

WP: What a relief! I was worried they might actually have to go out and get real jobs instead of coming to work in their jammies and sitting in a soundproof room for a couple of hours.

Crack is wack!

Tatum O'Neal has told a newspaper that she was distraught over the loss of her dog when she went looking to buy drugs from a Manhattan street dealer last weekend. Officers who searched her allegedly found a bag of crack cocaine, a bag of regular cocaine and a crack pipe in her possession.

WP: You know, surprisingly, many people can cope with the loss of their pet without the aid of a crack pipe.

SEX interview

When interviewed, Anthony Smith initially said he was "dragged" to the theater to see "Sex and the City" by his date, 21-year-old Pamela David. She quickly reprimanded him: "That's not true. You wanted to see it. Don't lie."

Smith, 38, then happily let down his guard and confessed he had seen almost every episode. "I'm totally into it and I'm straight," said Smith. "You understand women better watching `Sex and the City.'"

WP: Yeah? How's that working for ya, Smith? Did you learn a lot about dating a 21-year-old (who's young enough to be your daughter) by watching a bunch of 40-somethings up on the big screen? Dumb fuck.

NarniNOT

Walt Disney Co CEO Robert Iger said Wednesday that "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian" is underperforming at the box office because of competition from "Iron Man" and "Indiana Jones." Since its May 16 release, the "Narnia" sequel has earned $99.6 million in North America, according to Box Office Mojo. Its 2005 predecessor, "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe," had earned $122.7 million in the same period. It went on to make date $291.7 million. Disney originally had "Caspian" set for last Christmas, but delayed it in deference to "The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep," a fantasy vying for the same audience.

WP: Gee, I wish I had what it takes to be a CEO and/or someone who makes the decision on when to release movies. Let's see...

(1) Put "Narnia" up against the powerhouse that was "The Water Horse" or take my chances with "Iron Man" and "Indy 4?" Hmmm...

(2) Last time the movie did very successfully at Christmastime...so let's change that to Mother's Day instead.

(3) The movie has a religious following...so also better to avoid Christmas time all together. Who wants to see movies with religious themes around Christmas?

(4) Since Narnia is aimed at kids, release it BEFORE they're out of school for the summer.

There! Do I get promoted to CEO now?

Pretty, please? With millions of dollars on top?

U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon flew into Myanmar's disaster zone Thursday as he pressed the country's leaders to open the doors to critical international aid for some 2.5 million cyclone survivors. In a meeting with Prime Minister Thein Sein, Ban stressed that foreign aid experts needed to be rushed in because the crisis had exceeded Myanmar's national capacity, according to a U.N. official at the talks.

WP: Please, oh please, won't you take our millions of dollars in aid while our own country struggles with the rising cost of gas, airline prices, food prices, a recession, a falling stock market, rising unemployment, Katrina victims who still don't have a place to live, etc.? C'mon? Please?

How Charming

Former MTV reality star Sharon Osbourne has signed on to star in the second season of sister network VH1's "Rock of Love Girls: Charm School," premiering in the fall.

WP: Because....she did so well with her own kids?

Pro-nun-see-a-shun

Earlier this week, the president denied the nation was in a recession, instead saying, "We are in a slowdown."

WP: He probably can't pronounce "recession."

Guilty or not guilty? Who the fuck cares?

Wesley Snipes is in central Florida to learn his punishment for three misdemeanor tax convictions. A jury found the 45-year-old action star guilty of willfully failing to file taxes for three years, in which the government said he owed $2.7 million. Snipes was acquitted in February of three identical counts and two felony charges of tax fraud and conspiracy. Still, prosecutors are pressing the judge for the maximum sentence of three years in prison. They say Snipes is a "notorious" offender who dogged the IRS for years. Snipes' attorneys say he deserves only probation for the misdemeanors. On Wednesday, they submitted three dozen letters from friends attesting to his character. Those coming to Snipes' aid included Denzel Washington and Woody Harrelson.



WP: I don't care if he knew about it or didn't know about it. But here's a thought: why doesn't he cough up the fucking money like the rest of us taxpayers?! Douchebag.